God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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