Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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