Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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