i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
As shirtless as possible
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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