I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I AM VODKA MAN
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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