i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
