I'm pants shitting drunk right now
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Randomize
