On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
