My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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