I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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