Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
