no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Shame is for Republicans.
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