Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
