i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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