Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
