just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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