I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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