Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
