So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
