oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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