Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
