Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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