Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
