I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
