You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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