I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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