so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
