I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
