You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
