not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
