You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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