i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
