I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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