glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
