I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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