i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
