Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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