my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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