you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
