Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think I just shit out all my problems.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
