Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
