she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
