searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
