I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
