they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
