i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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