Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
