I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
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