I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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