You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
