We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
