I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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